I’m loosing myself.
I had already lost myself.
I just never gained it back
Never allowed myself the chance
But I have my thoughts
As reckless as they may be
Such a peaceful morning
Listening to the sounds of the apartment
Curled back into covers lingering warmth and a lazy chill over the air
Watch dust settle in a light beam
Train roaring off in the distance
It is glorious.
Lamps and trinkets
The clinking of metal against glass
Bathrooms with candles glowing in the darkness
The style I’ve lived in most of my life
Traveling. But always had a home.
It’s weird no longer having one.
Yesterday I lied
But I didn’t have any answers to give.
And yesterday I stepped around truths.
I didn’t lie.
I just depended on timing
Didn’t lie. Just told the truth based on circumstances.
You’re not asking the right question.
I am on fire
A slow burn
It’s been controlled usually
But the flames keep licking at my arms
Yesterday there were embers behind my eyes
Today there is a small flame
I can’t explain the emotions
A dancing flame.
The wind picks up and so does my anger
It has bred
Out of months
I can’t even pinpoint the beginning.
Just that it’s there.
Making me restless.
Itching to fight.
Recipe for disaster
My wick keeps shortening
Soon I won’t have anything left to burn.
Everything is running and bleeding together
Days months years
What was when
What is now
Been sitting in front of a calendar for most of the morning.
Trying to sort the days
And figure out what is impending.
I hate that my days start early now.
6-8am. Like clockwork.
If I’m not doing something semi productive at home by 10am I have to leave
And the longer I sit in silence in my own home the faster I sink into myself.
I need nature badly.
No matter what I’m going out today.
Empty yet heavy
Going to go for coffee soon.
Done and done
For something. Someone. The inevitable.
Can’t bring myself to action.
Maybe I’ll just leave.