woke up with tears in my eyes
a choked scream caught in my throat.
i had left the light on.
disoriented. upset. shaking.
had such a good day.
looks like i may not sleep tonight.
a cigarette in my future, but it’s so cold out
i can’t tell my breath from pain
i keep forgetting to eat
music is visceral
and how it bring up memories
times past and changed
we both knew it as the song came on
you looked down and smiled sadly
i looked out the window begging myself to look anywhere but you
you told me that day long ago that no matter what you’d love me
you begged me not to leave
my bag half packed and I was torn by my heart and my mind
you had cried all morning and I all night
the beginning of the violence
now we both remember it through separate eyes and minds
i wonder if you think of me fondly.
Hush now. Go silent.
a ringing in my ears.
heartbeat in my neck
and the sound as i swallow
the truths i face
watch as it burns down around you
just maybe without asking or pushing it’ll come back around
Winter brings about the feeling of great loss with cold covers and empty beds.
Smoking on the balcony shivering unable to tell breath from smoke.
Epiphanies tumbling out of my mouth like rubies.
I forsook myself and didn’t bother to pick a jewel to keep.
Empty pockets. Scrapping the bottom of the bowl.
Burning thoughts and accusations
June 30th, 2013
I’m a fighter, a dreamer, and a hoper. Mother to all, and friend to many.
I find it strangely painful that a slew of people expected me to hit rock bottom. That’s a place I’ve visited once and would rather not again. It was painful for me, and for friends and family. It’s not something I’m willing to do again. So I don’t. I won’t.
Another big I love you to friends who have stood beside me and believed in me. And a shrug to those who haven’t. It’s in time periods like these where you find who truly cares and is willing to go out on a limb for you. To be straight and not skirt around the issues at hand. I don’t hold anything against anyone because I know that we all have our demons at hand. But I can’t deny that it’s been insightful.
No one who loves me has asked me to do anything that would lead to a harmful conclusion in spirit, mind, or body and even wealth. I’ve been taken out to dinner and told to stop drinking my money away. Granted I was never at a harmful stage. But thank you, you know who you are. My money IS better spent on friends and bills.
Slowly disintegrating. Ebb ebb ebb.
I see pieces of myself flake off in the wind to be swept away
It’ll never come back together
I can never go back
Stream of Consciousness
Never will I hopefully ever be a muse. I am a mother to the earth and her children. I take no pleasure in pain. But I thrive in growth and pleasure.
Virgo is what I’m assigned. Duty born. While being reliable and wholly practical to the point of irritation. Discernment and worry plagues us.
Yellow breeds and fulfills. Warmth, compassion and the colour of a mother shining.
Essential helpmates. Classified to only us. I bear the worlds problems on my shoulders. I can’t not. It’s not a thriving quality. But its not one I can change either.
I just do. I think, I feel. I act without reservation for my own emotional stability.
Volatile in our own stubborn ways. We remain unchanging to some degree. Steadfast and loving.
Concrete even through my own evolution. I will forever stand here. Looking out. A witness to all and everyone. Take shelter in my arms. I welcome the warmth as much as you welcome my comfort.
Impassive and steady. Emotional. It’s easy to sit and wait. Keeping my tongue behind my teeth. ‘Tell me all you need to tell, Why is it you whisper when you really need to yell?’
Stubborn but moving. Kind but wounded. I’m limping. Gracefully I hope. Though doubtful.
Weeping willow wipe my tears, feed your branches with my heart. I yearn for touch but shy away at the first sign of contact. My forests burnt down. Leaving me raw. Mother Earth, teach me to grow from the ashes.
I still have dreams. Atop a cliff before god and a man. We wed. Lace and black suit. All alone except for the beauty of earth. Change in seasons. We exchanged vows. Even now I see it. Even as you despise me. False hope breeds sadness.